Why do I apologise so much?
Sometimes “sorry” comes out before you have even decided whether you did anything wrong.
You may apologise for asking a question, needing something, disagreeing, taking up someone's time or simply being in the way.
It can help to notice when an apology is taking responsibility and when it has become an automatic way of making yourself smaller.
Apologies can be useful
Saying sorry matters when you have hurt someone, made a mistake or failed to follow through on something.
A clear apology can show that you understand the effect of what happened and are willing to take responsibility.
The difficulty may come when you apologise even when there is nothing clear to take responsibility for.
Notice what you apologise for
Frequent apologies can appear in very ordinary situations.
- Asking someone to repeat themselves.
- Needing more time before answering.
- Disagreeing with someone.
- Asking for help.
- Saying no to a request.
- Expressing a feeling or need.
- Walking past someone or taking up normal space.
Looking at the situations can help you see whether “sorry” is connected to something you did or simply to being noticed.
An apology can sometimes be an attempt to reduce tension
If another person seems disappointed or uncomfortable, saying sorry may feel like a quick way to make the moment easier.
You may apologise before deciding whether you actually believe you did something wrong.
The apology may calm the conversation, but it can also make your own position less clear.
A few things to notice
Try replacing unnecessary apologies with clearer words
Sometimes the sentence works better without “sorry.”
Instead of “Sorry, can I ask something?” you might simply ask the question.
Instead of “Sorry I'm late replying,” when no quick reply was expected, you might say, “Thanks for waiting.”
Instead of apologising for disagreeing, you can say, “I see it differently.”
Disappointing someone does not always mean you did something wrong
Another person may be unhappy that you said no, changed a plan or chose something different from what they wanted.
Their disappointment can be real without automatically meaning you owe an apology.
Sometimes two people simply want different things.
Notice whether sorry appears before your real message
You may begin an important sentence with an apology.
“Sorry, but I need some time.” “Sorry, but that doesn't work for me.” “Sorry, but I disagree.”
Removing the apology can help you hear what you were actually trying to communicate.
You can be considerate without taking responsibility for everything
Caring about how your actions affect other people is useful.
But not every uncomfortable feeling around you belongs to you to fix.
You can listen, explain your position and be respectful without automatically deciding that you caused the problem.
Look for when the apology becomes automatic
Saying sorry once does not tell you much about a wider pattern.
But if apologies repeatedly appear when you ask for something, disagree, set a limit or take up normal space, it may be useful to compare those moments.
Over time, you may begin to see what tends to trigger the apology and whether you are becoming more comfortable speaking without one.
Related
Notice what comes just before “sorry.”
RealWithin gives you a place to reflect on everyday conversations, choices and reactions. As your Reflections build across different days, it can help you notice possible Patterns in when you apologise and what tends to bring that response up.
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RealWithin is for personal reflection, not medical or mental health advice.