Why do I feel uncomfortable when I'm not in control?
Some situations feel much harder when the outcome depends on someone else, information you do not have or events you cannot plan.
You may want to organise everything early, check repeatedly or know exactly what will happen before you can relax.
It can help to notice what you are trying to control and what feels difficult about leaving part of the situation open.
Control can sometimes feel like preparation
Planning ahead can be useful.
It can help you organise your time, avoid preventable problems and feel ready for what is coming.
The difficulty may appear when planning no longer gives you useful information but you still feel unable to stop.
Notice which situations are hardest to leave open
You may not need control in every part of your life.
It may become stronger in certain situations.
- Waiting for someone to reply.
- Depending on another person to make a decision.
- Travelling without a clear plan.
- Starting something without knowing the outcome.
- Letting someone else organise an important task.
- Changing plans at short notice.
Looking at the specific situations can make the wider reaction easier to understand.
You may be trying to remove uncertainty
Knowing what happens next can make a situation feel easier.
When you cannot know, you may try to create certainty by checking, planning or thinking through every possible outcome.
Sometimes that helps. Other times, the situation remains uncertain no matter how much preparation you do.
A few things to notice
Separate what you can influence from what you cannot
Some parts of a situation may be yours to decide.
You can choose what you say, what you prepare, what boundary you set or what next step you take.
Other parts may depend on another person, timing or events that are outside your control.
Keeping those two groups separate can help you focus your energy more clearly.
More checking does not always create more control
Rechecking a message, schedule, plan or decision can sometimes catch a real problem.
But after a certain point, you may be looking at the same information without changing the situation.
It can help to ask what new information you expect the next check to give you.
Other people may do things differently from you
Giving someone else responsibility can feel uncomfortable when you would handle the task differently.
Different does not automatically mean wrong.
If the result matters, you can agree on what is important while leaving room for the other person to choose how they get there.
A change of plan does not always need an immediate solution
Unexpected changes can create a strong urge to rebuild the plan straight away.
Sometimes that is useful.
Other times, you may have enough information to wait and decide later.
Allowing a short period of uncertainty can show you whether the situation actually needs action.
Look for what happens when control is not possible
One stressful situation does not necessarily tell you much about a wider pattern.
But if being unable to control the outcome repeatedly leads to checking, overplanning, reassurance or frustration, it may be useful to compare those moments.
Over time, you may begin to see what you are most afraid of leaving uncertain and whether your response starts to change.
Related
Notice what becomes difficult when the outcome is not yours to control.
RealWithin gives you a place to reflect on everyday uncertainty, choices and reactions. As your Reflections build across different days, it can help you notice possible Patterns in what makes you reach for more control.
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RealWithin is for personal reflection, not medical or mental health advice.