How to notice patterns in yourself

Patterns are easier to notice when you begin with something specific that actually happened.

Instead of asking, “What are my patterns?”, think about a recent moment that stayed with you.

• A conversation you kept thinking about.
• A decision you started questioning afterwards.
• A time you agreed to something you did not really want.
• A situation where you suddenly felt tense or unsure.
• A moment when you wanted reassurance from someone.

One moment does not prove that something is a pattern. It simply gives you somewhere to start.

It can help to look at what was happening just before you felt or reacted in a certain way.

Maybe someone seemed disappointed. Maybe you had to make a decision without knowing the outcome. Maybe you felt ignored, rushed or unsure how another person felt about you.

If similar situations often bring up a similar response, that connection may be worth paying attention to.

A pattern can also appear in what you do after a feeling shows up.

You may ask someone for reassurance, explain yourself more, change your decision, avoid a conversation or keep thinking about what happened.

You do not need to decide whether the response is good or bad. First, notice whether the same response appears in other moments too.

It is easier to see a possible pattern when you compare several moments instead of trying to understand one in isolation.

For example, you may notice that you question yourself after several different decisions. Or that you often worry about disappointing people when you try to say no.

The situations may be different, but part of your response may be similar.

Not everything that happens twice has a deeper meaning.

People can react differently depending on the day, the person or the situation. A strong reaction may also make complete sense in one particular moment.

It can be more useful to stay curious and wait for enough examples before deciding that something really keeps returning.

Patterns are not only about what stays the same.

You may begin reacting differently to something that used to affect you strongly. You may stop needing as much reassurance, feel more comfortable saying no or trust a decision sooner.

These smaller changes can also tell you something useful when you look back across time.