Why am I so hard on myself?

You make a mistake, fall behind or handle something differently from how you hoped, and your mind quickly starts judging you.

You may expect more from yourself than you would expect from someone else in the same situation.

Noticing how you speak to yourself can help you see when useful reflection starts turning into harsh self-criticism.

High standards and harsh judgement are not the same thing

Wanting to do something well can be useful. It can help you prepare, improve and take responsibility for your choices.

The tone can change when a mistake stops being about what happened and starts becoming a judgement about you.

Instead of thinking, “I could have handled that differently,” you may start thinking that you always get things wrong or should have known better.

Notice when the criticism becomes stronger

You may not be equally hard on yourself in every situation.

Certain moments may bring it up more strongly.

Making a mistake in front of someone else.
Feeling that you have disappointed someone.
Not reaching a goal as quickly as you expected.
Comparing your progress with another person.
Changing your mind after making a decision.
Looking back and wishing you had acted differently.

Look at the words you use about yourself

The way you describe a difficult moment can change how it feels.

There is a difference between saying, “That did not go how I wanted,” and turning the same moment into, “I never get anything right.”

One describes what happened. The other turns one experience into a much bigger conclusion about you.

A few things to notice

What actually happened, without adding a judgement about myself?

Would I speak to someone else this way in the same situation?

Am I expecting myself to have known something I could not have known at the time?

Is there something useful I can learn without turning it into a criticism of who I am?

Which situations seem to make me judge myself most strongly?

Looking back can make things seem more obvious

After something happens, it can feel as though you should have known exactly what to do.

But you made the original choice without knowing everything that you know now.

It may be more useful to ask what information you had at the time and whether your response made sense with what you knew then.

You can take responsibility without attacking yourself

Being less harsh with yourself does not mean pretending that every choice was good.

You can recognise that you made a mistake, apologise when needed or decide what you want to do differently next time.

Understanding what happened may give you more useful information than repeatedly telling yourself that you should have been better.

Notice whether the standard keeps moving

Sometimes you reach something you wanted and immediately focus on what is still missing.

Something that once would have felt like progress may quickly become something you believe you should already have done.

If this happens often, it may be useful to notice whether you give yourself time to recognise progress before expecting the next thing.

Look for the pattern across different moments

Being disappointed with yourself once does not mean you are generally too hard on yourself.

But if mistakes, uncertainty or slower progress often lead to strong self-criticism, the repeated response may be worth noticing.

Looking across several situations can help you see what tends to bring that voice out and whether it is beginning to change.

Why do I compare myself to others? →Why do I second-guess myself? →Why do I self-sabotage? →How to become more self-aware →

Notice how you respond when things do not go as planned.

RealWithin gives you a place to reflect on everyday thoughts, feelings and reactions. As your Reflections build across different days, it can help you notice whether the same kind of self-criticism keeps returning and when it begins to change.

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RealWithin is for personal reflection, not medical or mental health advice.